I guess the best way to word how I’m feeling is as though I am sitting at the bottom of the ocean. It’s dark and cloudy, I can barely move, it’s quiet and the pressure is crushing, yet I sit here. In a way, it’s comforting, but there are times were the pain stops and I feel numb, something that scares me.
I feel like I confess too much here, then I feel that I don’t record enough. I’m not tough or strong, my walls are just a little thicker than most. With every impact, the sting doesn't rock my core in the same instant; it vibrates and travels through those walls, hitting me little by little over time.
I know that I am a fuck up, I find it selfish of me to dwell on or even think of self pity, so I push it away and try a little harder to make up for my mistakes. But then there are others who find it necessary to bring it up every given opportunity, to throw it in my face, even if they don’t mean to harm me. I take those punches, and then I fall silent as it resonates throughout me.
Last year, this wouldn't be much of an issue for me, now though I feel like I’m becoming a shell of what I once was and my world is chipping away, for better or for worse I do not know. I’m beginning to lose friends and question others, I’m questioning my own abilities, I’m scared of having the people I love fall victim to the darkness and lose their will…to have my love for them be disregarded so easily…again.
I don’t always feel this way, most of the time I am genuinely happy. Then there are nights when I reflect, or just encounter little things that trigger a memory, and then I retreat into myself. I will seek solitude when I need it or the presence of others if I need that instead. I won’t say that I am okay if I am not, but I won’t share my despair to everyone, it’s a contagious disease that can unintentionally bring more harm to others than do good to the source. I feel that written words hurt a little less, but they may also seem too scripted than genuine. But these thoughts are real, the pain and numbness is real, and the peace I get after recording these is just as real.
My lifestyle if more than I can ask for, I am grateful for it all and the love and support of those who genuinely care for my well being. These issues are internal that I need to sort out and deal with over time.
In the meantime…I’ll just admire the stars.